To Dwell in Tents of Kedar

the personal journal of Kedar Hiremath

Loneliness

		Sunday, 10 June 07 - 12:26 AM (GMT) By Kedar Vivek Hiremath in Meditation

By now, I'm almost certainly psychotic.

I am feeling alone. I can't share my feelings with anyone to help me feel better, because I don't feel comfortable talking about my problems with my friends.

The problem is that I deal very poorly with tension, and I happen to be a tension-magnet.

Fleeting Moments

		Friday, 08 June 07 - 08:55 AM (GMT) By Kedar Vivek Hiremath in Solitude

I feel like life is moving too fast, for everyone. In the unimaginably huge span of time that I have to be alive, and the time that the human race is probably going to exist or evolve, I feel as though every moment is slipping away from my fingers. Trying to remember the events that make my life meaningful depresses me, because I know that I will someday forget each of these beautiful, glorious days that I have been living in my young life. I don't want to grow up and realize that I squandered away my youth on any of the distractions that plague today's society.

I laid down next to my mother just now, it is 3:00 in the morning. I came home late from being with my friends, after promising that I would come home early. She didn't scold me, she wasn't angry. She just rubbed my hair, and I slept beside her for maybe ten minutes it felt like. I love my mother very much, and it hurts me to think that I could disappoint her in my life; she is where I seek my approval, because I know how much she sacrifices everyday to make my life better.

I have many little fights and arguments with my dad, and he has a lot of annoying habits. Sometimes I seriously hate him, because I know that we share the same bad qualities. I don't want my dad to be imperfect, because I feel like that would make me imperfect. I want a strong dad, one who doesn't worry or complain, and who doesn't avoid getting things done. I don't want a dad who relies on my mom for so many things that he can do himself, who sits idly doing nothing while my mom is paining from doing so many chores, and who gets himself into many arguments when he doesn't get one small thing his way. He yells at my mom and everyone for little things. He looks like he's constantly bending under heavy pressure, and he looks weak from degrading himself into such a form. And that is how I don't want to be, that I don't want to accept that I've already become. A wimpy depressed egotistical scaredy-cat perfectionist. I remember from when I was young that my father would be very loud and angry and make my mom cry. From then, I was always afraid of him. When I grew older, I realized he was just scared, and tense.

I'm afraid of letting go of my parents. My beautiful mother, who has always taken care of me and babied me when I didn't need it. My enigmatic father, who seems like there's always a layer beneath him that he doesn't want anyone else to see, that keeps all his emotions inside until they boil up and take control of him.

My grandmother has gotten old, and she is living with us. Everytime I see her, I am afraid of her death. I don't want her to die, because it will open a wound for me that I don't even want to see. I don't want to let go of my parents just yet, and even though I feel tense with my grandmother, I want to do something good in her lifetime that she can be proud of me.

This summer, I've wasted away into a worthless shit. I am lazy, I don't do what I'm supposed to, I make false promises and shatter hopes, I depress myself and everyone around me. But today, John and I hung out with some other people, and for a while I felt as though I could be accepted in the world, socially. I felt like a part of a group, which I don't usually feel. I feel so alone, that nobody will accept me, that I usually keep my feelings hidden to others.

I know that practically everyday I have a constant struggle with my depression. I also know that when I win the battle, like today, I later forget about it.

So many memories, like broken glass crystals, that fall away into the black hole of nonexistence. I have been alive for 19 years, and I cannot remember very much about the good times that I have had. I think I am afraid of being happy, and I don't know why.

I know that to make my parents happy, I must be the best that I can. I definitely haven't been living up to even the most minimal standard (well, I haven't been drunk, smoked, had sex, or done drugs). But when I think of that, I remember that they will someday die. Thinking about my parents dying renders me helpless. I don't want to be without guidance in my life. I feel like I have no true friends except my parents. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to disappoint anybody anymore. I want to be the best that I can be, but it's so much goddamn pressure that I just can't feel like I tried so much for nothing.

I don't want to forget all the bad times and the good times when I get old. Every day is so long in itself, every week and every month and every year. But it all speeds by me like an instant in time, when I try to remember the past. I can't remember anything except recent memories.

I know that I don't deserve a lot of the things I get, and I don't understand why I still get them after all this time. I am afraid of being punished by God for not doing what is right, but I'm also more afraid that I haven't been punished as much as I believe that I should have. God can't be nicer to some people more than others, right? God can't play favorites? There is so much suffering that it would be indolent to even think that it's okay to forget and be happy. I don't know, I feel like I haven't come to terms with these beautiful wonderful gifts.

I wish life came with an instruction manual, so that I could assemble it piece by piece. I don't know the best way to honor God! I don't know if I can live to be what my parents want, even if they are happy no matter what I do. I won't be happy myself unless... I don't know what I need to be happy. I have too many psychological issues with just being happy sometimes.

I just wish everything was simple and clear. I also wish life didn't pass by me in miles per second. I wish I could take it slow, and find my way through the thicket like an old man, and still have a good life.

Lesson:
There's no problem with taking things slow, you don't have to be the best and do everything the best, at least all at once. Don't do things to make other people proud, but if you do care about someone, don't be afraid to show it. Don't be afraid of messing up relationships, if there is a problem take an easy solution. Finally, learn to be happy without using the television, comedy, the internet, videogames, or porn, just bask in the glorious moment for what it is, and show gratitude by doing wonderful, great things that are in your ability.

I'm Racist

		Thursday, 07 June 07 - 01:31 AM (GMT) By Kedar Vivek Hiremath in Meditation

I have just completed an Prejudice AIT by Harvard university. The test associates pictures (African American and European American) with conceptual words (good and bad).

Each picture/word is hotlinked to a key (e and i), and the test respondent must click the appropriate key as fast as he can. Pressed for time, I made about three mistakes. Every mistake involved clicking the European American picture instead of the African American one.

Your data suggest a strong automatic preference for European American compared to African American.

The scores indicate that I don't have just a slight or moderate preference, but a strong one. I am shocked.

Reading the FAQs for the study, the test is not taken to be perfectly accurate. Still, I don't usually think of myself as being prejudiced, and if there is evidence that suggests that I am, it must be my responsibility to fix it.

When I evaluate my thinking process, I find that I make the simple analogy of Caucasian is to African as white is to black. This color terminology for race is extended by historically prejudiced symbolism. When I think black, I automatically think of night, which most humans associate with mourning and death.

Looking more into color symbolism, we find that language is surcharged with this bias. We wear white to a wedding, and black to a funeral. A white rose is purity, a black rose is death. Black is evil, white is good. Think of the black market, or snow white. Black things are bad luck in superstition.

There are a million other things I want to say about this topic, but now I must go. I promise that I will talk about this at length another time.

Reevaluation

		Friday, 01 June 07 - 03:24 AM (GMT) By Kedar Vivek Hiremath in Meditation

 I know that I am regular in my assessments, and that I always mention that they seldom lead to anywhere. I also begin and conclude with the remark that I simply need to seize my life by the reigns, to take action and go boldly without being weighed down by chalky fears in the floorboards of my creaky mind.

Since I would like to keep this blog someday, and at least re-examine the origins of my life path in all its err and splendor.

My name is Kedar Hiremath. I was born of Vivek and Soniya, with no siblings. In my childhood, I could be shy from being on the sidelines, but as a double-edged sword I could also be very hyper-active and excitable in the social limelight. As a result, I felt apart from any person, who I felt would ridicule me or ignore me in their pursuits. Dejectedly, the core of me began to fill with beliefs that would shape me as a person until my current age of 19. I remember feeling ugly and unwanted, different, and very alone in despondency at times. I did not feel friendly with any person, and I began to hate the thought of being around these people who hate me without purpose. I felt comfort in my own home, privacy and security from the unaccepting world. And so I am he

My earliest memories are of my

Rant: Part Deux

		Friday, 25 May 07 - 06:40 AM (GMT) By Kedar Vivek Hiremath in Nature

 First a small note: I've placed this under 'nature' because it is the nature of all things to dwindle away by chaos. Death is not confined to the physical; ideas die, dreams die. The life of things is short, often before you know it the flash and burn that excites you quickly turns to ash and smoke.

I want to create my own blog. I want to use the best blogging software available. That said, I'm probably going to continue writing on this blog in spite, just until I can get everything else in my two-bit existence organized and cleaned up from the bukkake of crazy-flailing-armsness.

So I've been keeping up with new developments. On Fark, that is; probably not the best news source, but given alternative news media... hey, it's a done deal. One of my goals has been to be a little bit more worldly; that is, to not be another American idiot.

I haven't been keeping with my other self-promises however, as it should be obvious to the cynical side of me. I've wanted to clean up the house this summer, but I've barely begun to clean up my room. I just unpacked the suitcases, which was a chore, but afterwards I felt accomplished. Then I realized that unpacking a suitcase is expected of me, and therefore shouldn't warrant a very great sense of accomplishment.

I've been sitting on my ass these past few weeks. It is the summer, and I'm falling into the summer fever of just mindlessly watching tv or looking in desperation for something new online to entertain my increasingly short attention span. I feel like I'm becoming a consumer-droid.

Fatness

		Friday, 18 May 07 - 05:25 AM (GMT) By Kedar Vivek Hiremath in Meditation

 I've come back from college, and my few days of summer have already begun to rapidly deteriorate me into a familiar immaturity that I exhibit every time I am at home.

First, out of sheer boredom, I rummage through the closets and cupboards for snacks. I eat a lot of junk food. All day, all the time. While eating, I will be watching television and/or surfing the internet. Mostly I will be contemplating what I need to be doing, ironically missing the fact that what I am doing now is unhealthy. Beyond that I will whine about small problems around the house, or tell my mom to do something for me that I am perfectly capable of doing and have no excuse to not do myself.

I imprison myself in the house, and in my own immaturity. I am uncomfortable driving, so I make excuses to stay indoors.

One thing I want to do is take my computer outside because I don't use it anymore. With many small changes, I can organize my room and eventually the entire house.

I must sleep now, because I must wake up tomorrow morning.

Sand

		Friday, 11 May 07 - 12:30 AM (GMT) By Kedar Vivek Hiremath in Philosophy

I have learned much, but I haven't learned enough. The first observation that I can make is that I easily fall back into old habits. I mention this simple yet elusive fact in almost every entry that I have ever written. I make other observations which are defined by the moment; sometimes I will say they are true, other times I will say they are false. Appearances are changeable and complex. Nothing is as it seems, so it is said.

I want to be strong of will. I am imperfect, blemished. I often hide my old vulnerabilities by exaggerating certain key strengths. That is the way of ego, to keep malformed perceptions from killing themselves. It is no secret that I have provided bad impressions to other people, but it is of little loss to me. My true self can be lonely, but it is only because I don't enjoy fraternizing with others. I enjoy the simplicity and sensibility of solitude; it does not have to drive me crazy. I have my quirks and flaws, but I shall always be there for myself even when I hate myself, for I am at the heart a good person.

My realization of love when I am lost completely coincides with my ego. I have been raised selfishly by the love of my parents, who try to give me all things that I am wanting even when I do not deserve. In an attempt to turn my life around, I tried to adapt a personality of the strict variety and it only brought me sorrow. My old selfish habit has evolved since my early childhood into the beast that I am today, but it is not the fault of anyone but myself. Given the advantage, I like to take the shortcut or find the easy way out of a sticky situation. That is how I am, for I am lazy and prefer to do the minimal work necessary. In this age of innovation through the old sweat of industry, it is easy to be lost in the "easy" way.

But there is still the sense of accomplishment to be derived from a job well done, the ethic of industriousness. I have not learned this in my lifetime, for I have taken from others without return, I have not worked for anything even for a single second, I have not known the rapture of this fruit but only seen the sweat and blood that men inter through hard labor.

Being of the thinking type, I would say of the classical elements I am a hyper-extension of water. When the water is calm, everything is pleasant and easily accessible. There is peace. But when the Earth is forgotten, the fire has no home in the heart of the body but in the boiling of emotions in the mind. The water bubbles and churns, and the wind like a hurricane sweeps over the water and causes all manner of storms. The Earth is battered with the might of those waves, and it dissolves into the water. The body is left weak while the mind flutters hither and thither in hellish delight.

There must be a balance of body to mind. This is the basis of internal duality, at least in the present state. Without body there is no form or structure for the latter forms, and all things cease to be. The mind is an apparition which works in conjunction with the senses, but without a body there are no senses and these things bring death to the mind.

Now, concerning the body, there are means of strengthening its trait. But I know of myself that I would simply babble the same nonsense as it were from my mind and not put it to practice, and fall again into my repetitive despondency.

Ah, but there is hope yet that I can learn these old bones to go to work as they were meant to. I have to shed any mentality which proves an obstacle, because the body listens dumbly to the corrupted mind.

Graduation

		Monday, 07 May 07 - 08:26 AM (GMT) By Kedar Vivek Hiremath in Meditation

My life is far from perfect. I am like Adrian Monk, in many ways: obsessive-compulsive, perfectionist, fixated on the past, depressed, inactive, often lonely. I know the true measure of happiness is when a man can carefully weigh the elements of his life and say "yes, I am happy." And that is good.

I have learned much this past year at college. I learned that I am not the best. I am selfish, arrogant, dependent, ignorant, undisciplined, apathetic; the list goes on. I have met people who are true to themselves and others, and they are really better than I am, and I admit it. Intellectuals. Physically strong people. Eloquent people. They deserve the best elements of a fine life. I am proud to have surrounded myself by several good-hearted, hard-working individuals. People are not often how they seem. With an ounce of patience and understanding, it is possible to be on good terms with any person. Friendship is a contract to mutually endure.

I learned that love isn't what you get, it's what you give. I have missed my parents very much in my inkiest moments of despair, and they are always helpful when I am troubled. I don't know what I would do without my parents, and this fear makes me vulnerable: but it does show that I have something worth being afraid of losing.

I learned that seeing and hearing is different from experiencing.

I learned that things that seem unreasonable are something fruits of a higher wisdom than I can now comprehend.

I learned that God is gentle in His transformation. In all of my anger and frustration, He will sit beside me with His hand on my knee and look with an innocence in His eyes. And I can breathe, and I may understand. God does not want to be known. Man is often hot with frustrations, but a deep breath and a moment to let the mind settle is all that is necessary to fix any

Slip Fall

		Saturday, 28 April 07 - 05:40 AM (GMT) By Kedar Vivek Hiremath in Solitude

I feel and have felt very alone. I have recently forgotten what this feeling is, and I do not know if it is real.

I know that there are people in the world that do love me, and that I should not feign love and admiration when it is not due. I have become weak, and my weakness makes me depend upon little ups to get me through, and it has become a vicious cycle.

I see now how addiction affects the mind. I myself have felt just a few of the affects of serious sleep disorder, where my dreams and reality are often intermixed. I am physically sick with sinuses and my eyes have degenerated to just a washy dirty blur.

I felt death again this morning, but not how it will be, just my fear of it. And it overcame me, the feeling that I cannot be free from death. This feeling has followed my waking state and also seriously disturbed my mood and atmosphere.

I know now that I sound very 'emo', warranting affection, but I know that this is not true. I do have the symptoms of depression, and I am allowing it to control me. But I can be strong, and I have reason to push harder and be happy. Depression finds it's birth through my stress. Stress finds itself in my not following healthy habits like eating, sleeping or taking care of my body. I often find myself troubled and unhappy, but I have been blessed by God that I can find a way from the cold isolation to raise my spirits. When I look around me, nothing is consistent with my perception of the world. I am the definition of idealism, living in my own incomplete mind.

I am angry. I am lustful. I am dwelling on what I see to be bad elements of my past. I am lazy. I am uncaring. I am looking for something to fix my problems, but there is no quick fix.

My mind is in a haze right now. I am very confused. I will breathe and wait out this loud storm, even if I can't hear myself think. This too shall pass. I will be steady.

I Feel Truer

		Thursday, 19 April 07 - 05:33 AM (GMT) By Kedar Vivek Hiremath in Meditation

In life, I tend to avoid those elements which consistently bother me. I exaggerate those facts which comfort me. Sometimes, when I am lonely, I allow elements of the invisible reality to distort my perception. When I am stressed, I often want to accept the easy solution: to say that I am worthless and to devalue my life. But all of that is foolishness, and it is just avoiding the true purpose of life as it is. I am firm in my belief that life is simple and beautiful. It doesn't require words to describe it, nor feelings to enjoy it... just the peace of deep breathing carries a multitude of ancient wisdoms.

My adult wisdom must grow out of experience. As I am hereunto unexperienced besides the deep and hopeless meditation of things; I have a lot of room to grow. I have in the past refused to accept my own normalcy, but I know that this is true. There is no plain destiny without hard work. I may not save the human race from its apparent destruction, but it must be so. The greatest wisdom is to start inward. I am blessed, because I have been given the freedom to achieve this wisdom if I simply must force it through discipline.

I am lucky to have loving parents. I often ignore their constant affection in a bout of my sheer ignorance, and find myself unloved. But it is not so; I have been blessed with loving parents who believe in me and will do everything in their power to ensure my happiness. I have been very hard to please, and I have caused my parents a great deal of pain and worry. I may not be able to pay them back for all their love in my lifetime, but I will try. My parents have taught me the meaning of true love, in that it is not something merely to stumble upon as if by chance (or to fall in), but it is an implicit connection that grows only through the understanding and contribution of those involved.

I may never know the secrets of the universe. I may never see the light of God or divinity. I do not know if there is a God, but I have chosen to believe in His presence because it is empowering and purifying. I might never achieve those things I just dreamed of as a child, because I thought they would fall into my lap as if by luck or by magic. But I will be exactly as I do, and that is the embodiment of freedom and personal responsibility.

I am unhappy very often. I do many brash things when I am unhappy. I warrant attention. I yearn for an ounce of affection, when it is already healthy and present in my life. I suffocate myself, but for what reason? Do I honestly feel like I deserve to suffer?

Nobody deserves to suffer from physical ailment or the pangs of depression. Although I haven't suffered nearly as much as others in my life that I have left to paw at bones, I have known the nature of self-infliction through my own ignorance and I have arisen from the cave to know my own undoing. This is still chapter one of my life. I am undisciplined, I don't follow what I preach. I am hotheaded. I am opinionated. I worry. I hold stubborn to unnatural beliefs. But at least I know that I have power over myself. I can will myself to change. I am the master of my own destiny. I am the master of my own destiny.

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